cityslicker2801's posts about:
Faith
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If someone close to you..someone who meant the world to you, someone you trusted with your life betrayed you..could you forget what they did? Could you forgive? Forgiveness is easy. I have a big heart, and well sometimes I feel I am a sucker..but I can forgive even my worst enemy. But the forgetting part..ugh. That part is what keeps me awake at night. I have the worst thoughts..feelings..doubts even when now I have been given no reason to doubt. Well when I think of it..there were many times I had no reason to doubt, yet.. I still had been betrayed. I just cant fathom.. being in the same shoes again. I just cant seem to move on. Why? is it just a make up of who I am? Am I sick..? I get so worried that this bad taste in my heart..will never go away. Then ive wasted so much time and energy. I just wish i had a crystal ball... and could see where I am 5 yrs from now. This way I'd know if this will pass or not..or I'd know that they were still untrue..but.. then.. Do I really want to know.. even if it would hurt so much?
Michelle
I have been reading all you guys blogs from time to time. I havent had a drive at all to write one single word. I looked at my last post..and all my old ones and thought, how I wish I were back at that same exact time in my life. Ignorance sure is bliss.
So much has happend. Real bad things have happend in my life since that last post. Up to even a week or so after. I have lost all my faith in people, men, even myself. I have lost my desire to write, read, listen to music, everything seems to be not interesting to me at all these days. Day to day I live in constant anxiety, fear, doubt. One thing,, I did lose a ton of weight. 30 pounds in all. Not the way I wanted to lose it, but one perk is I didnt have to get new clothes this summer, my really old stuff fit. I did not get baptised. I had to cancel the one most important thing in my entire life. I will be sure to attend classes once again and be where I want to be spiritually. I did get to see the Pope. That was incredibly lifting. These days I look for the small things to lift my spirits. I have been holding on tightly to being a good mom, since right now thats the most important role in my life.
I cant get into detail at all here, but just wanted to say I miss blogging. I need someplace to vent. Why not here? right?
Michelle
As I sat in my doctor's waiting room friday morning, on the tv played such boring clips. I figured it was watch that or read month old people magazines... so I watched. On came a snipit of a Sunday morning show, and the topic was a town in where a book had defined the whole towns outllook on life. How could this be? I thought. A book? Where this place is, oh heck I forgot, but the book was the power of positive thinking. It showed how the author of the book had instilled ideas into people of his town into the simple thought of " if you believe you will get what you want, then you will recieve it " No it's not a magic book, no they don't have any coupons in it. But when you think about it, when you do have a positive attitude about things in life, have you ever noticed how well things go your way? I thought to myself... " now for some reason this all sounds familiar to me ".
That same day I had a road test for a job, and thought the whole way over there, " I can do this " . Now I cannot say if I passed yet, I have to wait for a letter in the mail to let me know if I have passed that test, and get the job, but I did go home that day, feeling good about the whole experience.
Later that night as I cleaned out my closet I came across some books I collected as a kid. Whatdoyaknow....... I have THAT VERY SAME BOOK :) I remembered that it was given to me by my dad, when I lost my best friend and tried to do myself in. I had even highlighted sections of the book I thought were most fitting at the time, and how incredibly happy I was to have found it.
So my inspiration to write this, is that I think a book is such a great gift, to anyone. One that is fitting for that persons life at that time, and hopefully they will look back and remember the past, and look at all they have overcome, and all that they have to be thankful for in the present.
( I am reading the book all over again :)
Michelle
Ever feel emotionally drained? It is such a bad feeling. It is one that comes from what feels like your soul. No caffeine, no nap, no happy movie can change that that feeling. I bet there are medications for that feeling, but who wants to be medicated through life? Plus when it wore off, the problem that made you feel that way is still there, there is no miracle cure for everything.
I guess without getting into too much detail, not many understand what I am even talking about. In fact I may even sound like a rambling idiot. But eh, if I can't vent here on my blog, where can I?
I can't stomach self pity. All my life I have felt that self pity would only drag out negative feelings. Self pity can only put up a wall between me and true happiness. Self pity to me is a crutch that some people use to excuse their bad behavior.
I grew up in a family riddled with self pity mongers. There are ones who will sing their sad song for anyone who hasn't hear it yet, and retell it to those who had forgotten. What gets me so disgusted is that, I have suffered the worst of them all, yet for some reason I have been "accused" as being the one who is the "favorite". I? I who had it far, far worse. I who to this day have nightmares of things I had to endure.
We all carry our cross. That is an expression I have heard for sometime now, yet I was not sure what my cross was. I think since I don't swim in self pity, that is my cross. My cross is being that one who is always trying the hardest to find the best out of bad situations. My cross is not letting what I have known, change my spirit.
Yet in all that I try live past, the self pity around me only rubs my face in negativity and heartache. It gets hard not to have some of that stay behind, it's hard to wash off. On these days I feel that drain. On these days I write. I write my little hearts content, and I don't even re read what I wrote. Maybe in some symbolic way the paper absorbs my pain.
Michelle
