>>> "Jeannine Burrell" <
jburrell@wcpc.us> 05/20/08 10:16 AM >>>
I thought this was hilarious so read the whole thing
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> Subject: Taser Gun......this is hilarious.
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>
> HAVE THE KLEENEX READY BECAUSE YOU WILL LAUGH UNTIL YOU CRY.
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>
>
> Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
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>
>
> A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
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> anniversary submitted this:
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>
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that
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> sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and
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> I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie.
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> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
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> taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short
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> lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant,
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> allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??
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> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought
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> it home.
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>
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
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> button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that
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> if I pushed the but ton AND pressed it against a metal surface
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> at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting
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> back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
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> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn
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> spot is on the face of her microwave.
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>
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself
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> that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A
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> batteries, right?
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>
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently
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> (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and
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> thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
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> blood moving target.
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>
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a
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> second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
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> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect
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> herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
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> would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
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>
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
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> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose,
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> directions in one hand, and taser in another.
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> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
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> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
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> cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
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> three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
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> the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than
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> three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
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> looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than
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> 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
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> two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no
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> possible way!'
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>
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
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> best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her
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> head cocked to one side as to say, ' don't do it dip$hit,'
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> reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole
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> thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a
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> one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
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> my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . . HOLY MOTHER OF GOD
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> . . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
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> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door,
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> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the
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> carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking
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> up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body
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> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
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> found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
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> position, and tingling in my legs?
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>
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
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> clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
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> obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
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> flopping all over the living room.
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>
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser,
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> one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second
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> burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing
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> until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing
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> about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered
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> conservative?
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>
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
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> thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had
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> left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading
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> glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was
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> upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
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> was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
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> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain,
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> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
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> drooling. Apparently I $hit myself, but was too numb to know
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> for sure and my sense of smell was gone.; I saw a faint smoke
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> cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm
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> still looking for my nut$ and I'm offering a significant reward
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> for their safe return!!
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>
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me
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> with it!
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